by David Bragonier
Dave: By the time you get this newsletter, we will be well into the Christmas season. The store decorations are out, children have carefully scrutinized every store catalog and newspaper ad printed, Santa is available to take our three page gift list, homes and offices are quickly being decorated, and most everyone is thinking, "What should I give so-and-so for Christmas?"
Debbie: Christmas has always been a special time for both Dave and me, even during our dating and engagement years. One of our events was to lavish tons of gifts onto each other. When we got married, we continued this tradition. Having children didn't initially change our format.
Dave: During the weeks preceding Thanksgiving we all tend to look forward to Christmas with pleasant thoughts and warm memories. Then comes the Friday after Thanksgiving! The starting gun is fired and off we go, into 30 days of frenzy, pressure, and total abandonment of all disciplines.
Debbie: Dave and I would look forward to visiting the local toy "warehouse." We would pull out our basket and make our way down the aisles. Dave would be tossing toys, games and coloring items into the basket. Sometimes I would ask him "Do you really think the girls are ready for Monopoly? After all, they are only two and three years old!" (Although we both like to spend money at Christmas, Dave has always been the bigger impulse buyer.)
Dave: "Real funny Deb! Are you having fun exposing my weaknesses to everyone?"
Debbie: As we studied God's Word we realized that our focus during the holidays should be on the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ, and that we should be centering our time and energy on family relationships. Although we knew this, it still seemed that our focus continued to be on the gift giving.
Dave: Unfortunately, in God's economy, when you and I know something and we don't do it, God has a way of adding pressure in order to help us be obedient.
Debbie: The Lord knew what we needed and how to go about accomplishing it. One year we were experiencing a lack of funds and we didn't have money to spend on Christmas. There wasn't money to buy gifts as in the past, and we were committed to "no credit buying." We scrimped out of the grocery budget money to buy a small tree. David and I agreed not to exchange gifts with each other. We also had to telephone all our relatives and let them know we would not be able to exchange gifts with them this year. I visited a local "toy bank" hoping to find something for each of the girls. We were able to buy a few small items for Julie and Christy's Christmas stocking.
Dave: As Debbie wrote this past paragraph I can't help but think of the many who this year might be going through these same circumstances and who have to make these same decisions. May God give you the discipline and strength to trust in His provision and His goodness. "It is the blessings of the Lord that makes rich and He adds no sorrow to it." (Proverbs 10:22).
Debbie: We went through that Christmas season, not with sad hearts or disappointment, but with our hearts turned towards Jesus and what the birth of Christ really meant. God helped us focus on our time together as a family, and at the same time we established some new traditions. In the past, on Christmas morning, we would pass out everyone's presents, heaping large piles of gifts in front of everyone. Then we would tear through the presents in record-breaking time. This year, since there were very few gifts under the tree, we started a new tradition of how we would open our gifts. One present was selected from under the tree and handed to the person named on the tag. That person would say whom it was from and then open the gift. We would take our time looking at and enjoying the gift. We would then think about the giver of the gift and say kind words about that person. Then another gift was selected and the same procedure would take place.
At the conclusion of the morning our oldest daughter Julie exclaimed, "This has been the best Christmas ever!" We stood there in shock (and tears). Our concern had been over the lack of presents that year. God helped us realize that even for children, presents do not make Christmas. It is our time and attitude that make Christmas special. The girls didn't care what they did or did not get. What they really wanted was time together as a family.
Dave: What is on your list to give to your children this year? Oh, we're not suggesting that you don't buy any gifts. However, what is on your list? Is quality time on the list? The presents we buy in the store (or online today) will most likely wear out, break, or become uninteresting (temporal). The quality time we spend with our children and family building Godly character will reap a harvest that will last forever (eternal). "Do not store up treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also" (Matthew 6:19-21).
Debbie: I have thought a lot about that very special Christmas and have come up with some interesting conclusions:
1. Children do not need to have everything that we think they should have in order to be happy.
I was probably the one most concerned at not having presents as in past years. The girls were delighted with the small gifts in their Christmas socks and the gifts I had picked up at the "toy bank". Gifts from grandparents even supplied some of the girls "desires."
2. Children desire an evenly paced holiday season.
Because of the lack of money, many events and expensive traditions of the past had been eliminated. These were replaced with more at-home and family oriented activities. For example, we visited a free, live, nativity scene at a local church. Also, the pressure of Christmas shopping had been eliminated since we had little money to spend.
3. Children desire a relaxed and loving time with the family.
It is the mother who sets the tone for the family. I know this to be an absolute fact. It has been proven over and over again in our family. If I am grumpy or in a bad mood, it is only a short time before everyone else is in that same mood. Children need and want to feel secure and loved. To achieve this goal usually means that Mom is going to have to make some changes.
This came about naturally in our family that year. First, many of the expectations that I had placed on myself were dropped. I have heard many women complain of fatigue at Christmas because they are doing things they don't really enjoy or want to do. They are usually doing these things because someone else is expecting it (her husband, the children, parents, in-laws, friends, etc.), or because she thinks she ought to be doing them. One year a friend of mine was under so much stress she exclaimed, "I hate this time of the year! I know it is supposed to be special but it is the worst time of the year for me."
I heard a very wise person give out this advice: "Each year take one activity that is expected of you, but is one that you don't enjoy, and drop it". An example might be the sending of Christmas cards each year. Another example might be a Christmas cookie exchange. If this has become an obligation rather than a joy then politely tell your friends you don't wish to participate this year and don't feel guilty.
Many of our "normal" expectations were dropped that year because of a lack of funds. Some of the changes had to be explained; others were just a matter of our choosing to delete them.
Children don't want a mother who is uptight, grumpy, and crazily running around. Whatever causes you a great deal of stress at the Christmas season, then eliminate it. Our time should be controlled by our priorities. Make a list of what is important to you, and then make every decision based on that list.
4. Children want strong family traditions
Traditions help to bind families together. They also create memories. Traditions help children recall special moments and times they have had with their families. This gives them a sense of security and that they belong.
Julie and Christy always know what to expect on Christmas Eve. They know Christmas Eve is specifically focused on the birth of Christ and what it means to us. The girls know just what will take place and how the evening will end… they get to open one package … their new Christmas PJ's.
5. Children need realistic expectations about gifts.
I can remember the year Julie wanted a $500 robot for Christmas! Not only was this an unreasonable request, but she had no need for a robot. We don't think it is best to allow our children to think they may be getting a gift that we have intentions of buying. At times like this, an explanation is in order as to why we don't wish our children to have a certain gift.
Consider how your child would or would not benefit from a gift. Children probably won't remember the gifts they received at Christmas, but they will remember the times they had with their family.
6. Children want Dads to be home and spend time with them.
The greatest gift that fathers can give their sons and daughters is themselves. Statistics now show that fathers spend about two minutes per day with their children. My guess is that this is not in "meaningful conversation."
The generation that rebelled in the 60's against the materialistic attitudes of their parents is now far worse in their own goals and actions. Their parents lived through a depression and wanted a better life for their children. Today's parents want a better life for themselves! This is proven by the houses they live in, the cars they drive, and all the gadgets and "toys" they accumulate. Today, in over 50% of the households, the wife is out working to help pay off bills and support an established lifestyle.
Fathers who are more loyal to their work than to their children justify their absence by saying they are doing it for the wife and kids. Many have the attitude that children are necessary, but an infringement on their time, personal rights, and materialistic desires.
Our children don't want "things" in place of their fathers. They really want a dad who will spend time with them in play, work, and meaningful conversation.
Many of our social problems today can be traced back to a lack of leadership from the father. Many believe that educating our children will eliminate these problems. However, the Bible holds the true answer, "... turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers; or else I will come and strike the land with a curse" (Malachi 4:6).
Dave: Men, what are some of the practical ways we can give "time" to our children? One is a family time of daily Bible study and prayer, reading the Proverbs, Psalms, Daily Bread, etc., and praying for different people each day of the week (family, friends, missionaries, church and government leaders, etc.). Other ways might be; sitting down to meals together (without the TV on), playing games at night, evening prayers on our knees with our children, reading to them at bedtime and then reflecting on the day you both had, children's date night with dad, activities that involve parent and child (i.e. Cub or Boy Scouts, 4-H, hobbies, etc.).
For most of us to accomplish any of this, it is going to require that we give up something else. However, isn't that what Christmas is all about? God gave up fellowship with His only begotten Son so that you and I might have fellowship with Him. Can we not give up something important to us so that we come back into fellowship with our children? What do your children really want for Christmas?